I hate writing cover letters.

Two more applications filed today.  I almost got to three, but I don’t know if I can face another cover letter.  As a genre, the cover letter is a) boring b) repetitive c) grammatically questionable d) replete with dire vocabulary e) of dubious truthiness f) did I mention dull?  Cover letters hit the sweet spot of being formulaic enough to be tedious but not enough alike that you can use exactly the same one over and over.  True, now that I have a few different examples I can re-use a lot of the text, but each one still has to be tailored to the correct company.  It helps (we are told) to insert some language from the job ad into the cover letter too.  And, if possible, come up with some catchy, convincing reason why you want to work for that particular company.

What do you call those spiral bound books in three sections, where the top section has a bunch of different heads, the middle has torsos, and the bottom has feet?  You can flip the sections independently to create different monsters.  Google appears to recognize them as Mix and Match Flip Books.  Amazon has one on fashion here.  (Come to think of it, that’s a very good tool for costume inspiration).  Anyway, we need something like that for cover letters.  Mix and match different sections.  The form is made for satire.

Dear HR Professional:

I am writing to apply to the recently advertised Gazebo Quality Assurance Associate position.  My knowledge of gazebo construction, my sitting ability, and my decades of experience testing porches and decks make me an ideal candidate for this job.

Yawn.

Dear Search Committee:

I am excited at the opportunity to apply my decades of experience testing porches and decks to your Gazebo Quality Assurance Associate position.  I can offer you expertise in sitting, experience critiquing outdoor carpentry of all kinds, and and expert ability to evaluate gazebo views.  These traits, combined with my passionate dedication to customer service and to the company’s mission of “A Restful Gazebo for Every Budget”, make me a perfect candidate for this position.

Well, that’s maybe got a little more pep, but see what I mean? It’s hard to get excited about this.

Dear Gazebo Company:

Gazebos have been my favorite things since I was a small child.  When I was three years old I had a life-transforming experience in a gazebo overlooking a wooded river valley.  I have dedicated my adult life to the study, construction, and evaluation of gazebos.  Working as your Gazebo Quality Assurance Associate would mean the fulfillment of a long-held dream for me.

The personal touch. A little overdone, perhaps?

Hey,

omg saw yr opening for GQAA so excite squee!  I totally adore gabezos, they are so much fun.  Im rly good at QA five yrs in ice cream testing call me. thx!

Mmmm, no.

Meanwhile, my probably last academic conference is coming up in a couple of weeks and I so very much do not want to go.